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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24119641">Deep Breath In</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deathandcommas/pseuds/Deathandcommas'>Deathandcommas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Brief description of a panic attack, Claustrophobia, Crying, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:21:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,211</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24119641</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deathandcommas/pseuds/Deathandcommas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Baz has been acting strangely since he returned from his eight-week absence. Simon is definitely not worried about him. </p><p>or</p><p>Baz is sleep deprived and dealing with nightmares after escaping the numpties. Simon is very worried about him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch &amp; Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>308</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello! this is my first ever fanfic. i wrote it instead of working on my final paper of the semester :) </p><p>any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>SIMON</strong>
</p>
<p>Baz is back, and he’s ... weird. Weirder than usual that is. I haven’t seen him at meals since the day he returned from wherever the hell he was. (I tried to ask him that first day, but he growled at me to fuck off and we haven’t spoken since). His pale skin has a grey tinge to it that I don’t remember from before; there are constant dark shadows beneath his eyes.</p>
<p>I wonder if he’s been sleeping. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve actually seen him sleeping once in the two weeks he’s been back. Sometimes I hear him sneak back into our room late at night, but every morning when I wake up he’s either working at his desk, or gone again already. I’m worried about him. Why am I worried about him? We aren’t friends. We aren’t even friendly. He’s tried to kill me on multiple occasions. Why do I care what’s happened to him?</p>
<p>I shouldn’t care. So I stop.</p>
<p>I don’t pay attention to him in class. I don’t notice how his eyes seem to glaze over as he stares dead ahead at Miss Possibelf, notes abandoned on the desk in front of him. I don’t notice the way he startles at loud noises, or the way he pushes through the hallways like he’s afraid the crowd will swallow him up.</p>
<p>I’m not supposed to notice these things about him, so I don’t.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>BAZ</b>
</p>
<p>I wake up as the sun rises, gasping for air. <em>Everything’s fine, deep breath in.</em> I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. I do know that I can’t let Simon, or anyone for that matter, find out what’s going on, what happened to me. I shouldn’t have let myself fall asleep in our room, not even for a couple of hours. That was stupid, reckless. The weeks I spent at home recovering were mortifying enough. I don’t need Simon seeing me this way too. That embarrassment would be so much worse than this exhaustion. Deep breath in, get through another day. </p>
<p>I’m already behind from missing so much class, and lack of sleep is making it hard to stay on top of things. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to catch back up. I struggle to stay awake through a whole class. I manage though, because I'm so afraid to nod off. I constantly feel Simon’s eyes on me, watching me from two desks away. I can’t get a fucking break from him. Does he honestly think I’m plotting against him right now? Surely even he isn’t stupid enough to think that I’m capable of that in my present state. I know I look terrible. Much too terrible to be plotting his demise (not that I’ve ever really plotted his demise). Much too terrible to be doing anything but struggling through classes and assignments.</p>
<p>Sighing, I get out of bed and get ready for the day. It’s Friday, and I don’t have class with Simon until Defense at 3:00pm. At least I’ll be able to let my guard down for a little while.</p>
<p>The day goes by in a haze of notes and exhaustion. Did I even learn anything today? Did I even take any notes? Maybe someone will let me borrow their notes… What classes have I even had today? Crowley, my head hurts. I’ll figure it out later. I can’t afford to fall further behind. </p>
<p>I make a quick detour to the bathroom before Defense and splash water in my face. <em> Okay Baz. Class with Simon now. Stay alert. You can do this. Just one more class today and you can go </em> <em> hide somewhere and </em> <em> take a nap. Deep breath in, </em> <em> just </em> <em> get through this </em> <em> hour </em> <em> .  </em></p>
<p>Simon is already in his seat when I walk into the classroom. I sit at my usual desk, gather my notes, look up at the whiteboard. <em> No. It can’t be. Not today please not today. </em> Fucking. Numpties. There’s a diagram taped to the board. A diagram depicting the big ugly lumps hunkering in a cave. Beside them is a list of their weaknesses and a list of defenses against them. </p>
<p>My vision tunnels and the world starts to go foggy. The outline of the board is wavering, beginning to fade. I close my eyes. <em> Deep breath in </em>. Open them. My hands are starting to go numb, my leg aches, I can hear the blood rushing in my head. I’m trembling, I realize. Nausea is setting in now. Can’t stay here. Have to get out. Not today. Please not today. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p><b>SIMON</b> </p>
<p>Baz just fucking walked out of class. Baz never misses class (not counting the first eight weeks of this year). He definitely never <em> walks out </em> of class. He seemed fine when he came in, or as fine as he has been lately. But then he got even paler (if that's possible) and started bloody shaking. I could practically see the sweat forming on his brow. He looked like he was about to be sick in the middle of the room (not that I was paying attention). What is going on with him ? Not that I’m supposed to care of course. Not that I <em> do </em>care. </p>
<p>I’m so caught up in my <strike>lack of</strike> thoughts about Baz that I don’t hear my name being called until I catch an elbow in the side. </p>
<p>I look up at Miss Possibelf. “What? Yeah sorry?” </p>
<p>“I was asking, Mr. Snow, if you would demonstrate the spell for us.”</p>
<p><em>Oh shit.</em> I look frantically at the whiteboard to see if the spell I’m supposed to be performing is up there.</p>
<p>
  <em> Oh shit.  </em>
</p>
<p>“I’m not sure I should try a fire spell indoors right now ma’am…” I trail off, hoping she’ll understand that I don’t feel in control. I don’t really feel like burning down the fucking school today. </p>
<p>“Mr. Snow, if you can’t control your magic in a safe environment, what do you think you’ll do if you come across numpties in the real world?”</p>
<p>Someone’s snickering in the back of the class. “Oh he’ll probably just explode and kill everything in sight! When has the Chosen One ever been known to <em> de-escalate </em> a fight?”</p>
<p>More laughter. I can feel my face flushing, all the way to the tips of my ears. <em>Stay calm. You’ll only prove them</em> <em>right if you freak out</em>. I try taking deep breaths, taking control of the situation, taking control of my magic. <em>Good job Simon looks like you got this after al-- Oh shit.</em></p>
<p>“--can’t pay attention in my class you might as well leave so everyone else can learn something”.</p>
<p>I ignore the laughter from the back of the class -- no it’s downright cackling now, not that I’m paying attention to it-- and stuff my notes hurriedly into my bag. I walk out of the classroom and break into a sprint as soon as the door shuts behind me. Running helps me calm down, gives me somewhere to focus my energy. By the time I reach Mummer’s House, I’m feeling better, and I’m not thinking about Baz. Mostly. He’s just chillin in a small corner of my brain. I go through my blood ritual to get inside, and -- wow yeah I am definitely thinking about Baz now. </p>
<p>He’s stretched out across his bed, looking like he flopped down the second he walked in the door. He’s wearing his bloody Oxfords in bed for Christ’s sake. He’s dead asleep (wait is he dead? No. Just asleep. Thank Christ. Not that I care). His face is scrunched up, but otherwise, this is the most peaceful I’ve seen him this year. I’m relieved. Why am I relieved? It’s not like I’ve been worried about him. We’re not even friends. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>BAZ</b>
</p>
<p><em> It’s dark. So dark even my </em> <em> enhanced </em> <em> eyes</em><em>ight </em> <em> can’t pierce through the black. I’m laying down, my leg is cramped and uncomfortable beneath me. I should move. I </em> can’t <em> move. Why can’t I sit up? The dark is closing in on me and I smell blood. I don’t want anymore blood. I want food. I'</em><em>d rather eat those </em> <em> fucking sour cherry scones </em> <em> Simon loves so much </em> <em> than blood right now. I’m so hungry and it’s so dark and my leg hurts and I can’t move. Please let me move. Please. Not today. It’s getting harder to breathe. I’m in such a tight space. I’m going to run out of oxygen soon. I need to calm down or I’ll use up all the air and then I’ll die. </em> <em> Again. </em> <em> Can I die </em> <em> from </em> <em> this? Can a vampire suffocate? I don’t want to find out. It feels like I could.  </em></p>
<p><em> My coffin is rattling now. Fucking numpties. Their dumb lumpy faces are </em> <em> swirling in my mind now </em> <em> .  </em></p>
<p>
  <em> “BAZ!”  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Are they taunting me? Why can’t they leave me to suffocate to second death in peace?  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “BAZ!”  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Stop it! Please! Not today just leave me alone!” </em>
</p>
<p>“BAZ!”</p>
<p>I sit up with a start, gasping for air. It’s still so dark, but I’m sitting up? How did I get out? Why is it still so dark? </p>
<p>“Hey, you alright?”</p>
<p>Simon. </p>
<p>I can see Simon now. Am I still asleep? It’s not as dark anymore. He’s crouched beside my bed, holding out a hand like he wants to touch me. I blink and feel something trickle down my face. I’m still gasping for breath. <em> Fucking Crowley </em> am I crying? I close my eyes again and try to take a deep breath. Yep. Definitely crying. </p>
<p>“Baz, can you hear me?” </p>
<p>Crying in front of Simon who is still kneeling on the floor next to me. I open my eyes and meet his. He looks concerned. Why is he concerned? When did I even fall asleep? I don’t remember how I got here.</p>
<p>“Baz?” a whisper now, “Hey you’re okay. Just keep trying to breathe, it’s fine. Promise it’s fine.”</p>
<p>He’s reaching towards me now. I’m too shocked to pull away as he takes hold of my wrist, tugging my hand away from where I’ve been yanking at my hair. Even after my fingers have been forcibly disentangled from my hair, he doesn’t let go. His hand slides down my wrist until his fingers are locked with mine. </p>
<p>“Deep breaths now, c’mon.” He’s still whispering. And I’m too shocked and overwhelmed to care what I must look like right now. I just hold tight to his hand and close my eyes, trying to follow his soft instructions.</p>
<p><em> Deep breath in </em>. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>SIMON</b>
</p>
<p>Baz is having a right proper breakdown. I don’t know what possessed me to wake him up from his nightmare, what possessed me to <em>hold</em> <em>his fucking hand</em>, but Baz is crying and on the edge of hyperventilating, and not pulling away from me. So I keep on. I talk to him soft and low, muttering soothing nonsense. I don’t know where the words are coming from, or if I'm saying the right thing, but he isn’t getting <em>worse</em> so I keep on. </p>
<p>“Deep breaths now, you’re alright. You’re safe, I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”</p>
<p>Eventually his wild breathing begins to even out. He’s still gripping my hand tightly, tears rolling down his cheeks from beneath closed eyelids. And whatever was possessing me before continues right on possessing. I reach out and touch his face before I can stop myself. He jumps, opening his eyes but not pulling away. I wipe the tears off his cheek and he stares at me, unmoving. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>BAZ</b>
</p>
<p>I’m breathing steadier now. I think I should be embarrassed, but I might be in shock. Simon’s still holding my hand, and he’s got his other hand on my cheek. Still wiping away stray tears. I’m staring into his eyes like a deer in headlights, terrified, but too frozen to run. He’s staring back at me intensely. I’ve seen Simon look intense before, of course I have. When he’s yelling at me, fighting monsters, trying not to go off in class, but this is a different kind of intense. The kind he gets when he’s protecting Penny or Agatha from some terror or another, but different still from that. Tender, almost. </p>
<p>Simon Snow is holding my face and looking at me with tender intensity. What. The. Fuck. Surely I’m still dreaming. </p>
<p>“Snow?”</p>
<p>“Yes?”</p>
<p>“Umm..” I don’t know what to say now that I’ve started. </p>
<p>“What happened to you Baz? Why were you gone for so long?”</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p><em> Deep breath in. </em> </p>
<p>“Iwascapturedbynumpties”.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>SIMON</b>
</p><p>“What?” I ask. I couldn’t have heard that right. </p><p>Baz takes another deep breath, “I was … um … captured by numpties. They … they kept me locked in a cof-- box for six weeks. Almost starved me to death.” He shifts uncomfortably and looks away. </p><p>“<em> Jesus Christ </em>Baz!” I’ve moved my hand from his cheek so that I can hold both his hands in mine. “How did you escape?”</p><p>“My aunt tracked them down. Rescued me. Don’t know how she found me to be honest…” He scoots over a little on the bed, tugging at my hands. Slowly, I move from the floor to sit cross-legged opposite him on the mattress. </p><p>“That’s why you left the lesson today.”</p><p>Baz nods, still staring at the ground. “I’ve been dreaming about the umm… the box for a month now. Every time I fall asleep I’m trapped in it again. But I hadn’t really thought about the uh… the--”</p><p>“Numpties?” I finish for him.</p><p>“Yeah. The numpties. Just.. I wasn’t really expecting to look up and find them staring at me today. Caught me by surprise.”</p><p>“What did they want you for? Were they holding you ransom? Did you piss them off somehow?”</p><p>“No, I… um”, his breathing is starting to pick up again.</p><p>“It’s okay! I’m sorry you don’t have to talk about it. It’s alright.”</p><p>“No, yeah it’s fine, I mean … yes. They were holding me for ransom. But numpties don’t really use money. Fiona thinks that someone hired them to do it. Offered them warmth or shelter or blankets.. Something like that. But my family doesn’t pay ransoms, they never have. Says it makes them look weak, undermines their authority. If they’d paid I probably wouldn’t have been locked in there for so long.” </p><p>Baz’s usually well-composed speech is choppy and strange. For some reason this is more unsettling to me than anything else that’s happened tonight. </p><p>“You need to start taking better care of yourself” I say, before I can consider my word choice. Because I am an idiot. </p><p>Baz tugs his hands away from mine looking hurt and angry. “Well excuse me for letting my guard down in my own fucking house!” he yells, “I wasn’t exactly expecting numpties to be lurking in my garden this summer was I? Nevermind numpties that wanted to kidnap me and keep me in a fucking coffin with nothing but a cup of blood every few days!” He gasps then, clapping a hand over his mouth looking up at me with eyes full of terror.</p><p>“I’m sorry” I say softly, “that’s not what I meant. I just meant that I haven’t seen you eat or sleep since you got back and you look bloody wrecked all the time. And it’s okay, I’m not going to tell anyone about…”</p><p>“Well you’ve already fucking told anyone that’ll listen to you that you think I’m a--  that I’m… Why should I believe that you won’t tell anyone now?”</p><p>Fair point he’s got there. “Because it doesn’t really matter does it? You don’t hurt people do you?” He shakes his head. “No? Then there’s nothing for me to tell. Honestly you’re doing us a favor keeping the rat population under control.” </p><p>He laughs at that, a shaky, out of control laugh that sounds wrong coming from him. </p><p>“Honestly though,” I go on, “you really do need to start sleeping more. You look fucking terrible.”</p><p>Another laugh. “Yeah well, this happens pretty much every time I fall asleep and I wasn’t exactly expecting you to… not be a dick about it. It was embarrassing enough having my family hear me crying in my sleep every fucking night.” </p><p>“Well,” I say, taking his hand again, “we’ll just have to figure out how to make the nightmares stop then won’t we? But I’m well knackered so let's work on that tomorrow and get some sleep. Y’know I’ve heard that sleep deprivation can actually make nightmares worse. So let’s get you rested and see if that helps yeah? And if you have more tonight I’ll wake you up okay?”</p><p>He’s looking at me like I’m, well, a numpty. I can feel myself starting to flush under his gaze. Hopefully his vampire eyes can’t see <em> that </em> well in the dark.</p><p>“I thought you hated me. Why are you doing this?”</p><p>“Well everybody deserves sleep right? Y’know I’ve heard that sleep deprivation is used as a torture method in some places. You might be my nemesis or whatever, but I don’t really want you to be tortured.” </p><p>He’s still staring at me, confusion spread across his face. He has a nice face. <em> A nice face? What the fuck am I thinking? </em></p><p>“And, well, turns out I kinda like having you around. Was worried when you didn’t come back. And then I got even more worried when you did.” </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <b>BAZ</b>
</p><p><em> Crowley, </em> he was worried about me. He <em> is </em> worried about me. Simon Snow is sitting in my bed holding my hand telling me to go to sleep because he’s worried about me. He missed me. </p><p>I realize I’m gaping at him. I close my mouth. </p><p>“Right,” he says. “Well off to bed then?” He moves to get up. I grip his hand tighter. </p><p><em> “Stay”. </em> </p><p>It comes out a whisper, like I almost stopped myself from saying it. I can barely believe that I said it. Simon looks at me in surprise and I am mortified at the thought that he might still leave, go back to his own bed and leave me here alone. But then he moves back towards me, swings his legs back into my bed. </p><p>“Yeah alright. I’ll stay”. </p><p>We lay down together awkwardly. I’m facing away from him, but I can feel his eyes on me in the dark. He pulls my duvet up and over us and rests a hand on my side. </p><p>When I wake up with the sunrise a few hours later, gasping for air, he’s beside me, pulling me into his arms. I’m crying into his chest, and he’s rubbing my back, whispering in my ear. <em> Deep breath in. </em> It’s going to be okay. My breaths come easier now, less frantic. Simon Snow is in my bed. He’s holding me and he knows I’m a vampire and he’s still here and it’s okay. <em> Deep breath in. </em> The fear is fading, I pull back to face him. He wipes the tears from my face, runs his fingers through my hair.</p><p>“It’s alright,” he whispers, “you’re safe. I’ve got you. It’s alright. Go back to sleep.”</p><p>
  <em> Deep breath in. </em>
</p><p>I can see the sun shining in through the window, but my eyes are closing again almost before I’ve registered that it’s daylight. I feel his arms tighten around me. It’s alright. I’m safe. He’s got me.</p><p>
  <em> Deep breath in. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for reading! let me know what you thought if you feel like it :)</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>follow me on <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/deathandcommas">tumblr</a> :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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